Women are slobs.

I find Bobby Pins.

Under pillow,fridge,shower.

This is now my life.

Paper or Plastic

Self Check-out Station: 

All the fun of cashiering... 

without the paycheck.

Barking into thin air.

Things that piss off dogs: 

Cats, birds, squirrels, sirens, but most... 

The TV doorbells.

Lil guy

He's all tuckered out.

Running and playing all day.

He's just a lil guy...

Bad Habits #87, 92 and 148

Staying up all night-

Peanut Butter, a big spoon.

Three o'clock haiku.

-Fat River Dumplin

Paradox of men.

Why is it in life

Great men are rarely good men?

The world needs them both.

Words to die to

Right before you die,

Whisper something memorable;

"This world isn't real..."

Facing certain death?

Get naked before you die.

Leave them wondering.

Best suicide note:

"There's nothing good on T.V.

Internet went out."

Your cats are evil.

When you die they WILL eat you.

They are just waiting.

When Harry Met Sally

Platonic male friends?

Plato proves it's possible...

but Plato was gay.

Awesome 101

Smile when on the phone.

You'll find that people can tell.

And call your mom more.

Read between the lines,

but not for sake of the lines.

Some lines are worth it.

A fork in the road,

will likely pop your tire.

So watch out for those.

Choices define you.

Make the interesting choice.

For your grand-kid's sake.

Nothing good to say?

Don't just sit there like a mute.

Tell some dirty jokes.

Be good to your earth.

It's the only one you get.

Break it, you bought it.

Racial Legos

Me: Broken Apart:

Red, red, red, white, white, white, white...

BLACK! How would you know?!

Arachniphobia my foot!

Why I am a man:

When I see a big spider,

I kill that Mo-Fo!

Lost Weekend

Sex-fueled Time Machine,

Turns one hour into six,

and makes you walk weird.

Groucho Glasses

Mustache and eyebrows,

the dream of my fucking life,

cost you two dollars.

-Guest Haikuist: Fat River Dumpling

Self Help is for People with no Friends.

Secret to no fear:

Accept that bad things happen.

Then learn not to care.

Look forward to find

things you have lost in the past

They will meet you there.

To get what you want,

You have to know what you need.

Listen to yourself.

Mana of the Gods

"Real" orange powdered cheese

Elbows of pasta angels

Perfect Harmony.

Feminism

Girls can do it all.

Politics, drive race cars, birth...

except open jars.

Words to slit your wrist to:

Don't treat me like sin.

Just because you're an angel.

Don't mean I believe.

Nothing I can do,

Nothing I can say,

I havethe Forelornsome Blues.

Silence and Absence,

By nature are pessimists.

Imagine the worst.

4am

Too tired to sleep...

If I go to bed right now....

How many hours?...

It's just that easy....haha

Secret to success:

To find a girl that you like,

and she likes you too.

Gypsy Tears

Bucket of Ice Cream

Endless supply of tissues

Good Hugh Grant Movie.

Wendy Peffercorn

Don't run at the pool.

Whistle blows: you must get out.

No guard on duty.

Guest Haikuist:

When shampooing hair

I like to lather it up

Into a mohawk.

Goals gotz PWNED!

Stop chasing your dreams.

Instead, sneak up behind them

when they're not looking.

Better than ALF

An english manny

"Just might live the good life yet".

-Mr. Belvedere.

Seriously, try it.

Tip from a monkey:

When peeling a banana,

use the other end.

Flux-capasitor

On my microwave

I pushed the "stop time" button

and nothing happened.

Kitty Sweaters

Dear weird cat lady:

Stop dressing them like people,

makes you both look sad.

Left-overs?

Turkey and Football.

No better combination

to promote comas.

Being thankful means:

Pretend that you like football,

and eat the dark meat

Nutty Love

My sweet Nutella,

Oh how I long to taste you...

you're my dark treasure.

Too cold

Early morning frost.

Skin tightens, breath plumes outward.

It smells like winter.

Fickle Hands

Promise versus Fate:

Since none can know the future,

they're empty as air.

Electronic Rudeness

Got a text message

of the laziest nature.

Just the letter "k".

Hours from Starvation.

A hummingbird egg:

Smaller than a jelly bean,

but so were you once.

It's all fun and games...

Beware of game nights.

Scrabble fights can be worse than

infidelity.

Secret of Illusion:

When the whole world blinks

anything can disappear;

rabbits, girls, freedom...

Cure for the Blues

If you are idle,

then be not solitary.

Also vice-versa.

Dental Intelligence

Note on Wisdom Teeth:

You're not wise for having them,

but man do they smart!

Monkey See, Monkey Do...

Eating Bananas:

Take a hint from a monkey,

eat it upside down.

Daylight Savings

Use your hour well.

Read a book, fix your car, or...

be like me and sleep.

Fool's Rush In...

Don't allow someone

To be your priority

When you're their option.

They Call Me Ike AKA I'll Beat You With My Shoe

Below your neckline
No on sees my discipline
You fell down the stairs

OB-GYN

In the Stirrups, please
Would you like me to numb it?
num num num num num

Spiderman!

Finish in my hand
Spidey senses are tingling
Suprise! On your face.

Game of Kings and Bums.

Plastic Bravery:

Pawns don't ask questions when told,

"Take one for the team".

Upon gallant steeds,

Knights move, stealth amongst chaos.

No force blocks their will.

Bishops drink too much.

Mystic men of light and dark,

Can't walk a straight line.

If you lose your queen,

Don't despair in life or chess,

Just promote a pawn.

Introspective Travel

"Follow your heart". What?!
How can one do such a thing?
It's inside your chest...

Following one's heart:
First requires she steals it.
Then it's up to you.

Give and Take

Ask for what you want.
Don't take what you can not keep.
Give what you don't need.

The Waiting Game

Most dreams will come true,
if you can wait long enough.
How long can you wait?

"Quote me on this one..."

What keeps men honest
is rarely as simple as
what makes a man lie.

Two homes, both stink...

Smells of L.A.
Smog, hookers, and broken dreams
It's good to be home

In Oklahoma:
Enjoy blue skies, starry skies
Gentle smell of cow.

What is nog?

Egg Nog: Drink of Gods.
Part egg, part nog, part awesome
Too good for all year.

Ode to the Grey Hound Bus

Nobody's showered.
Can't sleep else robbed, stabbed, or humped.
Sugar fuels my night.

Bus full of convicts.
Hungry...vending machines broke.
They might eat me soon.

Dear Guy next to me,
My shoulder's not a pillow.
You drool when you sleep.

Air of Airports

The smells of Newark
Rich and diverse aromas
Fish, booze, and urine.

On a Steel Horse I Ride...

Riding cross country
Freedom and wind in my hair
And bugs in my teeth.

Background Specialist

Life of an Extra:
Work fourteen hours a day.
Steal food from snack cart.

Hollywood Haiku

Acting to pay bills
Until I can find my dream:
Job waiting tables.

Veteran's Day

Day to celebrate
Men who fought for this country
But not at a bank :-(

Grease

Extra value meal;
Sweet double quarter pound beef,
Get in my belly.

Ukiah

To Haiku, or not Haiku?
That is a question.
But is this still a Haiku?

Kiwi

Egg of flightless bird?
Fuzzy paradox of joy.
Are you fruit or beast?

College Diet

If hungry, eat.
If too poor to eat, Ramen.
Feeds body, mind, soul.

Tyranny

Freed from my shackles,
my haiku wings stretch outward.
Prepare for Awesome.